Wedding Etiquette for Brides

A good friend and sorority sister of mine is getting married this October, and I think I might be as excited for it as the happy couple!  Excitement over the progress of their wedding planning has gotten me thinking about weddings and has inspired me to write a three-part series on wedding etiquette.  This first part is for the belle of the ball - the bride.  For most brides, the three most difficult areas in terms of wedding etiquette tend to be (1) the guest list, (2) invitations, and (3) gifts.

Guest List
Making the First "Cut"

In my opinion, the most stressful part of wedding planning is deciding on the guest list.  People's feelings can get hurt, you can completely blow your budget with a few missteps, and there's always, you know, that person who you'll worry about having there.

Before you begin your list, look at your budget and find out the maximum number of guests you can afford to have.  Once your maximum has been determined, compile lists from your partner, parents, and your partner's parents.  Combine their lists with your own to determine a first draft of your master list.  Wedding Etiquette for Dummies suggests that you prioritize your master list by determining "the must invites, the should invites, and the could invites."  Now, using your maximum number of guests from your budget, see how far down that list you can get.  By doing this, you ensure that you invite everyone who is important to you, your family, and your family-to-be.

If you end up within your maximum for your list, you're still not required by anyone to invite the whole list.  The Knot suggests that you consider the following for the people on your guest list: "How close are you with this person? When was the last time you saw or spoke to this person? Would having him or her there on your wedding day really make or break your enjoyment?"

Dates and Plus-Ones

The official rule for dates and plus-ones, according to Real Simple and Mrs. Vandersluis, is that you should invite "anyone who is in a committed relationship, whether married, engaged, or in a live-in partnership—even if you haven’t met the other half."  Real Simple and Mrs. Vandersluis also say that "you are not obligated to give single guests and guests who are involved in more casual relationships the option to bring a date."  But, do be thoughtful.  If a guest won't know anyone else at the wedding, extending an invitation for them to bring someone is the nice thing to do.  Overall, it's a day for you, your partner, and your families.  You don't want to look back at pictures and have no idea who your guests are.

Children

It is completely up to you whether you would like to include children at your wedding.  Often, the two major considerations for inviting children are budget and event type. Once you decide whether you will invite children, don't make exceptions.  That will lead to confusion and hurt feelings.  You can, however, invite the flower girl, ring bearer, and your partner's or your own children without issue, regardless of whether you invite other children.


Invitations

Timing

In most cases, invitations should be sent out six-to-eight weeks prior to your wedding.  If you are concerned about people's availability for your wedding, you can send out save-the-date cards anytime between your engagement and your invitations.

RSVP

When deciding on an RSVP deadline, consider both (1) when your invitations are going out and (2) when final numbers are due to your vendors.  Plan to give your guests at least 15 days between the invitation’s arrival and the RSVP deadline and at least one week between the RSVP deadline and your vendor deadline.  You can increase your chances of quick responses by including pre-stamped enclosure cards.  If you have not heard from guests in the (reasonable!) expected time, make follow-up calls to those guests.  You can ask your wedding party or family for help or do this yourself.

Reception

There are no real rules for your reception.  It can be as traditional or unique as you want and it can follow any budgetary needs.  Back in my parents' day, it was traditional to have "tea and Twinkies" at the church after the ceremony.  There was nothing official beyond a receiving line and cake cutting.  Now, social expectations, Pinterest, and a million wedding magazines and websites have made reception planning intimidating. 

It's traditional to introduce the wedding party, have the couple's first dance, the father-daughter dance, the mother-son dance, and a cake cutting.  Just because it's traditional doesn't mean anything.  You reception is just that - yours.  The only rule of etiquette that I feel can't be tossed aside is that you should personally greet all of your guests.  No need to stay for a chat - just thank them for coming. 

Favors 

Wedding favors are popular now, and they can be anything from a box of candy to a CD of the couple's favorite music.  The sky's the limit for favors, and they are usually best when kept small.  Think of it as a token of thanks for attending your wedding.  Do note that favors are not a requirement.  You are no more in poor taste for eliminating them then you would have been in 2nd grade for not having goody bags at your birthday.  

Favors aren't a big deal, so keep it simple if you want to provide them.

Gifts and Thank You Notes

Registry 

Now that many of us are getting married after having gotten settled on our own or after living together, traditional wedding gifts are not as critical.  Your registry can include anything thing you'd like - a service for 12 of fine china, a honeymoon fund, a way to contribute to your favorite charity, fun housewares - anything!  If you do decide to register, consider all price points for your guests.  Your parents will be more interested in buying you that new Dyson than your former babysitter might be. 

Thank You Notes

Thank you notes are not optional.  Mrs. Vandersluis trained me to be militant about thank you notes for all gifts and favors, but a wedding is the time when those who usually forgo a thank you note must write one.  It's best to send a handwritten thank you note as soon as possible.  This is best from both an etiquette and sanity standpoint.  Your guest feels acknowledged and pleased and you get to check something off of your considerable bride to-do list.  This isn't a bride's responsibility alone!  Grooms are strongly encouraged to write their share of thank you notes. 

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Beyond the stress, the anxiety, and the many etiquette rules, your wedding is a day of celebration and fun.  Anything that goes wrong will likely be insignificant or completely unnoticed.  Don't get so hung up on the rules and the process that you miss how fun and exciting it all is!



All photos used are from my wedding and were taken by Amy Czelusniak.

Yes, You Should Bring a Hostess Gift

Can you get away with not bringing a hostess gift to an event at someone's home?  I guess.  But, as Emily Post said, "A gift for your host or hostess is a lovely way to thank them for their hospitality and is always appreciated."  It's in poor taste not to bring a small gift if you are attending a cocktail or dinner party (cookouts count) and especially if you're a house guest for any length of time or you're attending a house warming party.

Remember that a good hostess gift does not have to be expensive or a big deal.  The best gifts are those that can be used for future entertaining, can be used that night, or is a little something extra that the host or hostess wouldn't necessarily buy for themselves.  The purpose of bringing a hostess gift is to show your appreciation for being invited.

A bottle of wine is nice, a bouquet of flowers is fine.  But, why give your host or hostess the same thing as everyone else?  Here are some of the more fun gift ideas I've seen around the internet lately (click to shop):

For those who happen to live in the DC area, my absolute favorite place to pick up fun and unique hostess gifts is The Nest Egg in Fairfax Corner.  They even gift wrap!  You'll also find plenty of things you're in dire need of yourself, guaranteed.

If you forget to pick a gift up before the event or if you leave it at home on the counter on the way out, don't worry!  I completely forgot to pack our hostess gift for my mother-in-law, Mrs. Morgan, when my husband and I went to his parents' house for a week-long stay.  You can redeem yourself within the laws of etiquette by sending a thank-you arrangement, box of treats, or other surprise by delivery after the fact.  Even the strictest of us have an etiquette lapse sometimes.

Saying It with Flowers

When my mom was in high school, her boyfriend brought her a thoughtful faux pas of a gift: gladioluses, a common funeral flower at the time.  In telling the story, she always mentions how sweet he was, but ends with, "Uggggh.  He pulled gladioluses out of his hot trunk.  I could have sworn he stole them from a grave."  The sentiment was appreciated, but a little more research (or a question or two to the florist) would have gotten the poor guy more mileage with the gift.

Though fewer people out there are as versed in flowers and etiquette as my mom is (and was as a teenager), it's always better to be on the safe side when sending flowers. Here are some of the meanings for the most popular types of flowers to send:

• Amaryllis - Pride, Pastoral Poetry
• Aster - Symbol of Love, Daintiness
• Begonia - Beware
• Cactus - Endurance
• Camellia - Longing for you, You're a Flame in My Heart, You're Adorable
• Carnation - Fascination, Woman Love
• Chrysanthemum - You're a Wonderful Friend, Cheerfulness and Rest
• Crocus - Cheerfulness
• Daffodil - Regard, Unrequited Love, You're the Only One, The Sun is Always Shining when I'm with You
• Daisy - Innocence, Loyal Love, I'll Never Tell, Purity
• Forget-Me-Not - True Love, Memories
• Forsythia - Anticipation
• Gardenia - You're Lovely, Secret Love
• Gladiolus - Give Me a Break, I'm Really Sincere, Flower of the Gladiators
• Heather - Admiration, Solitude, Protection, Wishes Will Come True
• Hydrangea - Thank You for Understanding, Frigidity, Heartlessness
• Iris - Fleur-de-lis, Emblem of France, Your Friendship Means so Much to Me, Faith, Hope, Wisdom and Valor, My Compliments
• Lily - Virginity, Purity, Majesty, It's Heavenly to be with You
• Lily (Calla) - Beauty
• Lily (Day) - Coquetry, Chinese Emblem for Mother
• Lily (Tiger) - Wealth, Pride
• Lily of the Valley - Sweetness, Tears of the Virgin Mary, Return to Happiness, Humility, You've Made My Life Complete
• Narcissus - Egotism, Formality, Stay as Sweet as You Are
• Orchid - Love, Beauty, Refinement, Beautiful Lady, Chinese Symbol for Many Children
• Peony - Shame, Happy Life, Happy Marriage
• Poppy - Eternal Sleep, Oblivion, Imagination
• Primrose - I Can't Live Without You
• Rose (Bouquet of Mature Blooms) - Gratitude
• Rose (Single Full Bloom) - I Love You, I Still Love You
• Snapdragon - Deception, Gracious Lady
• Sweetpea - Good-bye, Departure, Blissful Pleasure, Thank You for a Lovely Time
• Tulip - Perfect Lover, Frame, Flower Emblem of Holland
• Violet - Modesty

For more detail, this website has a nice table of the flowers, meanings, and a photo of the flower.

Though traditionally pertaining to roses, these meaning behind flower color choices can be applied to other flowers:
    •    Red - romantic love
    •    Purple - the giver has fallen in love with the recipient at first sight
    •    Coral and orange - desire
    •    Yellow - joy and friendship
    •    Pink - gratitude and appreciation
    •    Light pink - feelings of admiration and sympathy
    •    Peach - either sympathy or gratitude
    •    White - reverence and humility

If you're really savvy, you can send a friend or loved one her birth month's signature flower.  You can even go wild and crazy and send her flowers according to her astrological sign.

If you're planning to shower Mom with flowers this Mother's Day, check out RetaiMeNot for coupon codes before buying.  I would suggest a springy bouquet of varied flowers, but you can never go wrong with Mrs. Vandersluis' favorite, yellow roses.

(Image Credit)

On Thank You Notes

One of my first etiquette lessons my mom taught me was the importance of writing a good thank you note.  When I was little, my mom told me that I couldn't play with the gift until I wrote a thank you note to the giver.  This taught me that thank yous are time-sensitive and necessary.

A thank you should be sent immediately, but can wait as long as a week.  But no longer than that! Luckily, thank you notes are really quite quick and simple to write.  A good format for a thank you note is:

1. Salutation
2. Thanking the person for the item, favor, experience, etc.
3. Saying something specific about the gift, like how you will use it or how much you enjoyed it
4. Thanking them again
5. Signature

This thank you note format is my go-to and it is so quick to write. This format can be used for just about any type of note of appreciation - birthday presents, wedding presents, follow-up from a dinner at someone's house - anything! 

According to Emily Post, "it is never wrong to send a written thank you" and "people always appreciate getting a 'thanks' in writing." Since we live in a time when there are lots of different ways to communicate, here's some guidance on the mode of communication for your thank you:

• If the giver is a close friend or family member, it's okay to call or email your thanks (this does not apply to wedding gift, which will always require a written note).
• To acknowledge safe arrival of a gift, or if you want to send thanks before the official note, you can call, email, or text.
• An emailed or texted thanks is better than no thanks, but you can do better.  The giver put time and effort into doing something nice for you, so they would likely appreciate the few minutes it would take you to hand write a note and mail it to them. 

If you're a stationery lover like I am, you may like some of my favorite designs (click the images to purchase them):