Wedding Etiquette for Brides

A good friend and sorority sister of mine is getting married this October, and I think I might be as excited for it as the happy couple!  Excitement over the progress of their wedding planning has gotten me thinking about weddings and has inspired me to write a three-part series on wedding etiquette.  This first part is for the belle of the ball - the bride.  For most brides, the three most difficult areas in terms of wedding etiquette tend to be (1) the guest list, (2) invitations, and (3) gifts.

Guest List
Making the First "Cut"

In my opinion, the most stressful part of wedding planning is deciding on the guest list.  People's feelings can get hurt, you can completely blow your budget with a few missteps, and there's always, you know, that person who you'll worry about having there.

Before you begin your list, look at your budget and find out the maximum number of guests you can afford to have.  Once your maximum has been determined, compile lists from your partner, parents, and your partner's parents.  Combine their lists with your own to determine a first draft of your master list.  Wedding Etiquette for Dummies suggests that you prioritize your master list by determining "the must invites, the should invites, and the could invites."  Now, using your maximum number of guests from your budget, see how far down that list you can get.  By doing this, you ensure that you invite everyone who is important to you, your family, and your family-to-be.

If you end up within your maximum for your list, you're still not required by anyone to invite the whole list.  The Knot suggests that you consider the following for the people on your guest list: "How close are you with this person? When was the last time you saw or spoke to this person? Would having him or her there on your wedding day really make or break your enjoyment?"

Dates and Plus-Ones

The official rule for dates and plus-ones, according to Real Simple and Mrs. Vandersluis, is that you should invite "anyone who is in a committed relationship, whether married, engaged, or in a live-in partnership—even if you haven’t met the other half."  Real Simple and Mrs. Vandersluis also say that "you are not obligated to give single guests and guests who are involved in more casual relationships the option to bring a date."  But, do be thoughtful.  If a guest won't know anyone else at the wedding, extending an invitation for them to bring someone is the nice thing to do.  Overall, it's a day for you, your partner, and your families.  You don't want to look back at pictures and have no idea who your guests are.

Children

It is completely up to you whether you would like to include children at your wedding.  Often, the two major considerations for inviting children are budget and event type. Once you decide whether you will invite children, don't make exceptions.  That will lead to confusion and hurt feelings.  You can, however, invite the flower girl, ring bearer, and your partner's or your own children without issue, regardless of whether you invite other children.


Invitations

Timing

In most cases, invitations should be sent out six-to-eight weeks prior to your wedding.  If you are concerned about people's availability for your wedding, you can send out save-the-date cards anytime between your engagement and your invitations.

RSVP

When deciding on an RSVP deadline, consider both (1) when your invitations are going out and (2) when final numbers are due to your vendors.  Plan to give your guests at least 15 days between the invitation’s arrival and the RSVP deadline and at least one week between the RSVP deadline and your vendor deadline.  You can increase your chances of quick responses by including pre-stamped enclosure cards.  If you have not heard from guests in the (reasonable!) expected time, make follow-up calls to those guests.  You can ask your wedding party or family for help or do this yourself.

Reception

There are no real rules for your reception.  It can be as traditional or unique as you want and it can follow any budgetary needs.  Back in my parents' day, it was traditional to have "tea and Twinkies" at the church after the ceremony.  There was nothing official beyond a receiving line and cake cutting.  Now, social expectations, Pinterest, and a million wedding magazines and websites have made reception planning intimidating. 

It's traditional to introduce the wedding party, have the couple's first dance, the father-daughter dance, the mother-son dance, and a cake cutting.  Just because it's traditional doesn't mean anything.  You reception is just that - yours.  The only rule of etiquette that I feel can't be tossed aside is that you should personally greet all of your guests.  No need to stay for a chat - just thank them for coming. 

Favors 

Wedding favors are popular now, and they can be anything from a box of candy to a CD of the couple's favorite music.  The sky's the limit for favors, and they are usually best when kept small.  Think of it as a token of thanks for attending your wedding.  Do note that favors are not a requirement.  You are no more in poor taste for eliminating them then you would have been in 2nd grade for not having goody bags at your birthday.  

Favors aren't a big deal, so keep it simple if you want to provide them.

Gifts and Thank You Notes

Registry 

Now that many of us are getting married after having gotten settled on our own or after living together, traditional wedding gifts are not as critical.  Your registry can include anything thing you'd like - a service for 12 of fine china, a honeymoon fund, a way to contribute to your favorite charity, fun housewares - anything!  If you do decide to register, consider all price points for your guests.  Your parents will be more interested in buying you that new Dyson than your former babysitter might be. 

Thank You Notes

Thank you notes are not optional.  Mrs. Vandersluis trained me to be militant about thank you notes for all gifts and favors, but a wedding is the time when those who usually forgo a thank you note must write one.  It's best to send a handwritten thank you note as soon as possible.  This is best from both an etiquette and sanity standpoint.  Your guest feels acknowledged and pleased and you get to check something off of your considerable bride to-do list.  This isn't a bride's responsibility alone!  Grooms are strongly encouraged to write their share of thank you notes. 

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Beyond the stress, the anxiety, and the many etiquette rules, your wedding is a day of celebration and fun.  Anything that goes wrong will likely be insignificant or completely unnoticed.  Don't get so hung up on the rules and the process that you miss how fun and exciting it all is!



All photos used are from my wedding and were taken by Amy Czelusniak.